When a tear runs down my cheek

When a tear runs down my cheek it doesn't always mean that I'm sad or grieving. 

When a tear runs down my cheek it's the build up of pain leaving my body. You see the pain can only stay for so long before it has to leave to make room for new more intense pain.

When a tear runs down my cheek it holds hours of pain that I've pushed through with a fake smile on my face. (Looking "normal") So that no one knows my real pain. I was always told "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." I should be invincible by now.

When a tear runs down my cheek don't be surprised if you never see it. If you do consider yourself very special.  I only open myself up like that to people I feel safe with and I feel I can trust being vulnerable around.

When a tear runs down my cheek I am not broken.  Even though I might feel that way. I'm stronger then what I was 5 minutes ago.

When a tear runs down my cheek it may be from the judgemental pricks. That think chiari malformation can be cured by surgery.  (It CAN'T! !  If it could and it was 100% effective, then I would consider it but im not going to have anyone cut into my head for something that might or might not work)

A tear ran down my cheek today. In fact it was more like 6 or 8. Through the pain I still put on a smile like nothings wrong.

What the hell is wrong with people

A teen on my facebook posted this today:

If anyone tries to nominate me for that stupid ice bucket thing I will refuse. I'm not stupid. It's a stupid way to help ALS. And it just seems like a freaking popularity contest. No thanks. I'll leave the idiocy to other people and do my own thing for ALS.

So I posted my opinion:

1.)For every one person that just does the challenge because they dont have $100.00 they can hand over theirs an average of 10 people that donate $100.00 or more. Just being educated and spreading awareness on it is helping the cause. I dont have ALS but I do have a rare incurable brain (chiari malformation) disease I cant afford to donate money so I spread awareness.

2.) Just think im pretty sure you still do fund raisers for school things with trips, band, football, cheerleading, etc. If people all the people that have help you with your fund raisers felt the same way you do about this one you wouldnt have the money you need to do things. The HUGE difference between your fund raiser and this one is either way they're still making a profit. Spreading awareness on an illness/disease is not an easy task so if anything they are educating people and people are talking about ALS. If they cheat and use warm water thats on them. Heck I cant even do the chiari malformation challenge. Whoever though it up figured only family members and friends would do it. I can drink the slurpee thats about it. Talk about doing something halfasses. Lol

3.) Just an fyi: 
You can't get hypothermia from dumping ice water over your head.

Also a question:
If you hate so many people why not defriend them?

Advice:
Education is key!!

Really?? I get this in my inbox? (From her dad none the less) Thats great that their donating but like his daughter i posted my opinion on her status about ALS. I never once degraded her. If you took my "education is key" as me being degrading then you should be ashamed of yourself.  Education is key in any illness or disease. Yes some people have sensitivity to cold I sure those people dont purposely do this challenge knowing that. There was also something said about football coach's having problems from the ice water. HELLO its not exactly football season out its 80 degrees out a bucket of cold water isnt going to hurt you! Once again I *shake my head at people*
Heres what he sent:

  I don't have you as a friend on FB but I think you should take you comments off (teens name here) wall now!!!! she and I can afford to donate money that's better then the bucket challenge.. you have no right putting you bullshit on her wall!!!!!

Once again its great your donating to an amazing cause.  With that said your daughter should have maybe worded her status better? Its clear she was looking for drama calling people stupid, assholes, and idiots. Now your trying to bully me into removing my opinion.  Since its not the same as yours? You should be ashamed of yourself!!!

But she whines and crys about drama and not having a lot of friends?? No wonder who would want to be friends with someone that calls you stupid,  asshole, or an idiot because you have a different opinion from them?

Surprised

I have to say I'm kinda surprised but its nice at the same time. Ernie's starting to get back into golf. The only game system we have in the house is the ps2 and the original xbox. Neither one get messed with very much either. I'm not complaining tho. I'm not surprised so much about Ernie but the fact that both Andrew and Elizabeth love it. It's nice the three of them get into something together like that. what about me you ask? No Thank you. So I'll go to mini golf where it's all fun and games, but I want nothing to do with actual golf. Plus it's good that Ernie and the kids have something for just them to do together. It's nice that Andrew's actually getting into something. We've been trying, for a while I thought maybe baseball but I was dead wrong. This golf thing tho that's a different story. We go into the sports store he goes over right away checking out clubs and looking at stuff. Elizabeth's doing the same thing. I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure Ernie and I are going to be getting the kids golf stuff for Christmas. I know Andrew was pretty disappointed tonight when he found out Ernie was going out golfing right after work with some co-workers. Ernie and I both explained to him that dad's actually playing a game in the morning not just hitting balls. It seems Ernie's gonna have to take these kids out soon lol.

Challenges

So lately there have been all these post on Facebook about people doing this ALS challenge, which is you donate $100.00 to the cause or you dump a bucket of ice water over your head. Some people are even making their own challenges so far my favorite one has to be the guy with the pull up your pants challenge. Just recently I seen one that was posted for Chiari Malformation which as many of you know is what I have. I can't do this. Unfortunately it seems this challenge wasn't thought of by someone that actually has chiari. Spinning 5 times I would be laying on my back on the floor if I even made it to 5. If I did happen to make it to 5 inducing a brain freeze would be torture. The challenge is a great if you can get a family member or friend to do it. Which even in the video the lady is doing it for her son. I really wish I could do it but the problems it would cause I just can't. I would do the bucket of ice water challenge for ALS. Really it's the whole spinning thing with the chiari. My head spins enough without me adding to it.

On going dream started February 3 2014 to present.

Im out in a field on a beautiful sunny day im sitting under a big willow tree on the roots as my toes soak in the creek that runs along the side of the tree. My hair is lightly blowing in the warm breeze. And im wearing a ivory colored dress. Butterflies and dragonflies flutter by to the forget me nots and lily of the valley's growing wild along the bank of the creek, while birds chirp and sing their songs in the trees. A huge pure white mare and her midnight black filly both with crystal blue eyes and rippling muscles graze close by close to the creek. The smell of crisp apples and burning wood fill the air. I step into the creek and slowly take steps toward the two massive animals.

A little bit clearer. ..

So the doctor did some blood work and I had an MRI done. Here's what been found outvso far.  My blood work has shown that my thyroid levels are high. The doctor wants me tovget my thyroid tested again in a few months. Then we'll see where we need to go from there. My MRI showed that my brain is to big for my skull. There's not really anything that can be done about. I pretty much just have to be careful out in the heat and I'm more prone to headaches.

Ernies been amazing while I've been dealing with this. I know he's concerned about what's going on. My dad of all people hurt me by what ge had to say when I told him what we've found out so far. He told me with my thyroid it would explain why I'm so fat. My thyroid can be controlled by meds. Thanks dad for making me feel like shit about myself once again. I find it pretty amazing that I'm the size I am with my thyroid levels high a lot of people are a lot bigger. I go on thyroid meds I'm goingvto lose weight. Ill never be a twig I wouldn't look good that tiny. I have to say it reallt bothers me I know it shouldn't.  It never fails tho what family says cuts the deepest.

Even stone can be worn down with enough rain

Some days are harder then others. Lately things are starting to get more difficult. You won't see me cry even though I'm right on the verge. I'll always have a smile on my face. I won't let anyone see my pain. I don't know what's going on with me right now. Other then the symptoms I've been having  getting dizzy when reaching above my head, my hands and feet going numb. I know we'll get it figured out. Between you and I...I'm afraid..... I'm scared. But I'm tough so no one on the outside well ever know. A little secret  between you and I sometimes at night I do let those fear tears fall. "Even stone can be worn down with enough rain."  I'm pushing threw. This stone is far from being worn out. I just have some ruff edges, and some cracks that need to be fixed.