12 Why's????

Theres certain things I just can't understand.

1. Why is it employers well work you right up to that point where you should be full time with benefits but they cut you just in time so you can't so your still part time???

2. Why is it when mom gets sick she still has to carry on like nothings wrong??? Still has to get up and do everything like normal.How are we to get any better without getting rest where theres time?

3. Why is it when guys are sick they want to be babied and cuddled but when were sick theres no cuddling?

4. Why isn't being sick enough? Then mother nature has to be a bitch and add a period to it.

5. Why does a 5 year old tell you that their full and cant eat anymore but as soon as its time for bed and they cant eat their candy their hungry all the sudden???

6. Why is it when you can finally eat something you cant enjoy it because your being bugged?

7. Why do kids have to act up and make being sick worse then what it already is?

8. Why can't I wake up and my house be clean?

9. Why can't i get a simple answer to simple questions?

10. Why can't chocolate and ice cream fix a cold like it does a broken heart and craps?

11. Why do people have to talk so much shit about other people?

12. Why cant they look thru the downfalls and see the good in the person?

I don't know maybe these are stupid but i have to ask......

Blah...bitch bitch.. bunch of crap

I've hit my all time low. Me being sick the last few days  (and still) didn't help me from staying strong. So right now step on me, blow me off, treat me like shit I wouldn't know the difference, keep doing what makes you happy and lead me to think that I'm part of that. If I am that's great if not then why stick around. I know I'm not the best person or the best friend to be around. But I'm also tired of always having to wait. Tired of being used when other people are ready but i guess its just as much my fault since i like to feel needed. its still bull crap.

Tring to keep moving...

The last few days its been getting harder and harder to keep moving. This cold is kicking my ass. Between the running nose, the coughing and the sore throat its killing me. This all started with a sore ear. Now my ear doesn't bother me so much. Unless I sneeze and at that point it feels like someone killing me. I lay down I cough, I sit down I cough, its worse in the morning when i first get up and when i go to bed. I found theres certain ways if i sit or stand I won't cough as much. (sad isn't it) Theres stuff that I want to get done but it take me half of the day just to get my cough under control so I can get something done. But by that time its time for work so I don 't get even a quarter of the things down that I want to.  (I know I'm carring on and bitching sorry.)

I know its still really early but (if you read my previous post you would understand my madness) I want to get my Christmas stuff out. I got some of it out yesterday. The window stickers are up and I made the wreath for the front door I was so happy it came out it looks really good to. I need to get the energy to get my living room moved around for the Christmas tree but that's going to take a lot of energy that I don't have right now. Here's what it looks like....

November... (This is a very personal post read it at your own risk)

Here it is. November we face each other yet again. Your a painful month with little joy. The pain surpasses the joy. On one hand you give me my dads birthday on the 2nd. Which without him who would I be? Would I be? More then likely not. You also give me my parents anniversary on the 6th. With out the both of them and their love for each other over the years I wouldn't be the person I am today. I also have some friends that have a birthday this month.

But on the other hand the pain sinks in. On the 12th my world came crashing down into a million pieces. When my husband and I lost our first child at 25 weeks. Years of not being able to watch him grow or even to see him breath. You think wow breath. Yes if only just to breath.. instead I have the painful image branded into my mind of this little helpless, breathless baby that was taken from us for reasons?? Fuck your reasons!

I lost a cousin that was like a brother to me in a hunting accident. He lived with us for a while, why my mom and dad help him straighten out things in his life. I still remember the phone call. That's another thing that well never leave my mind.

On the 30th Ernie and I lost twins. they where 10 weeks old. I relive that painful experience it puts me in a dark place that at times is hard to get out of. Still somehow i manage.

I think with me putting the Christmas tree up right after Halloween is my way of erasing November. I've done that since Ernie and I have had our own place. And while Ernie and I decided to wait to put the tree up till December its only 8:01 a.m. on the 1st of November and its already getting hard for me by the second.