Here it is. November we face each other yet again. Your a painful month with little joy. The pain surpasses the joy. On one hand you give me my dads birthday on the 2nd. Which without him who would I be? Would I be? More then likely not. You also give me my parents anniversary on the 6th. With out the both of them and their love for each other over the years I wouldn't be the person I am today. I also have some friends that have a birthday this month.
But on the other hand the pain sinks in. On the 12th my world came crashing down into a million pieces. When my husband and I lost our first child at 25 weeks. Years of not being able to watch him grow or even to see him breath. You think wow breath. Yes if only just to breath.. instead I have the painful image branded into my mind of this little helpless, breathless baby that was taken from us for reasons?? Fuck your reasons!
I lost a cousin that was like a brother to me in a hunting accident. He lived with us for a while, why my mom and dad help him straighten out things in his life. I still remember the phone call. That's another thing that well never leave my mind.
On the 30th Ernie and I lost twins. they where 10 weeks old. I relive that painful experience it puts me in a dark place that at times is hard to get out of. Still somehow i manage.
I think with me putting the Christmas tree up right after Halloween is my way of erasing November. I've done that since Ernie and I have had our own place. And while Ernie and I decided to wait to put the tree up till December its only 8:01 a.m. on the 1st of November and its already getting hard for me by the second.
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