Monday opened my eyes....Now I just have to stop the crying

Sunday night Ernie came home in a bad mood. Bad day at work a lot going on. I had plans to go out drinking but I asked him if he wanted me to stay home. He told me to go out anyway so i did. He ended up sending me a text but it didn't say anything about him wanting me to come home. I would have figured something out if he wanted me to come home.  I got home got Andrew on the bus then everything changed after that.

I knew Ernie was in a bad mood I just didn't know how bad the mood actually was. He finally broke. We go into it with the arguing. What I think finally broke the the straw on the camels back was when i told him that since he said he wanted a divorce that I have not going off during sex. Things were different there was nothing there anymore. Next thing i knew his computer screen went into the window. Breaking the window. Then he was in the kitchen with a break away knife to his wrist. he told me "I'll make it easy and end everything now"  I picked up the phone and called 911. He asked what i was doing I told him he needed help and I was going to get him the help he needed. He ended up putting the knife down and went right over to the futon and sat down and didn't move.  The cops arrived I explained everything to them that happen. They checked him over. The one cop pulled me aside and I told him that Ernie was going to say whatever they wanted to hear to get them to just go away. That he doesn't like to talk. The cops ended up putting cuffs on him and taking him to the hospital.

Ernie's mom showed up and I knew as soon as she got there I should have just go in the truck and went to the hospital. but I started getting drilled about what happen.Then she started making phone calls and the next thing i knew I had a house full of people. I didn't want a house full of people. She kept tell everyone we'll just all drive up there. I paced the floor I felt that I was being trapped in my own house. I was being watched like a hawk the whole time.  I broke down when Ernie's dad came in and I talked to him. I pulled myself back together. I called the hospital to see if i could get any information at all. I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and his mom looked at me and said "Don't you think you could make some coffee or something?" What I wanted to do and what i did were to different things. I wanted to tell her to make her own fucking coffee. But instead  I just  started dumping the coffee together. After that I grabbed my keys looking out the door checking my phone looking around at everyone.

Then I got a text message from Ernie. The door flew open and I got in the car and went up to the hospital. I was almost out of the park when he called to make sure i got the text. I was almost to the hoptial when I talke dto his dad He asked me what the fuck was going on then he told me to stay at  the hosptial with ernie till they got there. I picked ernie up then we headed back to the house. I warned ernie that there was a house full of people ernie wasn't happy about it.   

As soon as we got home they pulled ernie away from me I was pretty much kept trapped in the kitchen, while they had him outside talking. I made him something to eat since i knew he needed something. I tried to give it to him but he wasn't ready so i took it back in the kitchen then bam I was blocked in the kitchen again I managed to get thru to stand by the door but once again I was being watched like I did something. All I wanted to do was talk to him just him and I. No one would let us talk. He finally got to eat his snadwhich then he went back to the bedroom to get changed and I had to ask his mom to move so i could get out of the kitchen. Which was smart on her part cause i was at the end of my rope and I was about to clock her one.

I started walking down the hallway when he got out and I just asked him if I could talk to him just for a few minutes. He grab and hand and we went into the bedroom.I don't think I really explained to him how much he scared me and thats why I called. He understands I know he does. He hugged me I haven't felt what I felt when he hugged me in a long time. He has been staying close to me since that all happend I can understand why. I told him I'm here for him if he needs me I'm here for him to talk to. Which he is talking to me about a lot or at least I believe he is.

I would be lying if I didn't say theres still a big part of me that wishes he would change his mind about getting divoriced. I'm really tring to be ok with the whole thing its extra hard right now because of everything that just happend. The long and short of it I have been going to easy on myself and that was proven today. So I'm going to just start having to be harder on myself.  I'm still going to be there for ernie when he needs to talk. Just other things are going to change and maybe its not going to be a good thing but it can't be any worse then how things are right now. I just know that I'm really going to find out who's really there for me and who really cares.  And if you see me shaking dont pay any mind to it its just my body dealing with whats going on.

I'm sick of people saying they're not going to do something because of my feelings. If thats the case I'll shut my feelings off and then they wont have to worry about if somethings bothering me or not. Stop worring about me. I can pretend that I'm doing fine and nothing wrong. Don't believe me watch...

I Went Out Last Night

So I was really debating on if i should write or not today. I guess you can figure out which one won... But anyways.

So last night I decided last minute to go to the bar with a friend. (I'm not naming names but yes a guy friend.) I guess this guy Doesn't understand the meaning of "I'm not looking for a relationship just people to hang out with." I say that only because of what happen at the bar. So what happen you ask? I know your asking just because  why wouldn't you want to know right? lol Okay.. here's what happen....

When we got to the bar we decided to sit up by the bar not point in sitting at a table since it was just the two of us plus really it wasn't a date just two people hanging out. So my guy friend orders us both a shot of Jager we both took our shots then he ordered is beer and I got my jack and coke. To my left (sitting right next to me) was a guy and his buddy just drinking and having a good time. He seen my glass was almost empty and told the bar tender to get my another Captain and coke  (I think that he thought that's what i was drinking lol ) I did look a little confused when the bar tender brought is over and he just nodded his head to my left side. Of course i turned and thanked him. The guy that came with me seemed to be getting a little pissed.

Well that new Rhianna S&M song came on. I over heard the guy to my left asking what the hell the song was about so of course i kinda butted in and started to explain that the whole song was about the kinky sex. About how she likes to be tied up and controlled type thing. The guys buddy leaned over (this guys was trashed like mad) looked at my friend and asked "So does she get into that type of thing?" Of course both guys were looking at me waiting for the answer I about fell out of my chair laughing. Looked at them and said "If i was he would be the wrong person to be asking." My friend seemed even more pissed but like i told him from the beginning we're just friends. I guess I must have sparked the guys interest. Since he asked what do you drink I told him i just can't do beer cause i just got my tongue Perice. Next thing i knew I had drink after drink coming. I have no idea How i didn't end up hammered and calling for a ride with all the Jack and cokes, captain and cokes and shots i was doing. I'm guilty of a body shot or two also I well admit it.

 Everyone kept asking me if i was ok so i would get up walk a straight line sit back down and get another drink. The bar tender asked me how in the hell i was holding so well I guess i was just lucky? The drinks were far from weak. Then when i was getting ready to leave I was asked if I would be back lol I told them I would think about it. The one guy that was on my left side told me that if he wasn't at the goat he's normally at Wrangler's. (I'm thinking that was a hint?) LOL. We stopped at a few other bars but they were pretty lame so my friend decided he needed to call it a night he had to work at 7. (Flipping light weight) So I dropped him off and he was hammered passing out in the truck and his house was a stones throw from the bar. Plus he had a lot less to drink then me he had 1shot and like 4 beers. I did have a blast the only downer was there wasn't a dance floor. (maybe next time?) I really figured I would have been waking up with a hang over and I didn't which still amazes me but I'm not complaining one bit. Ernie was happy I had a good time which made me feel good. :)

One thing did happen I know Ernie wasn't happy about it and I feel so bad about it. I know he knows how bad I feel (I know he could tell by the look on my face) I'm still beating myself up for it. I know he told me it was ok but its going to be a while before i forgive myself for that one.

So the guy i went with started giving me crap today about the guys buying me drinks at the bar. I told him I wasn't in a relationship with him so i don't see what the problem was. He told me that he stopped looking for someone to date cause he figured he was dating me. I told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship and even if i was he wasn't the type that I would even consider dating. That yes he's nice but not my type for a relationship. I know harsh right but i told him from the beginning and if he couldn't understand it then I was going to make sure he understood it now. I hate to be the mean person like that but sometimes you have to be. The nice thing is he finally got the dam point. Really tho I don't think I'll be hanging out with him anymore. Granted if he tried anything it wouldn't take shit for me to put him in his place, but the point is I dont' need that shit.

WAKE UP!! It was just a dream! I wished it wasn't tho....

I dreamed last night, Its been a while but i did. Ernie and I were in the house watching the kids play. He had his arms wrapped around me giving me soft kisses like everything was perfect in the world nothing was wrong. The dream when on to us holding hands watching the kids go to home coming prom, learning about love and then losing it, graduate high school, then to them finding the one they can't live without and getting married and finally them starting families of there own. I seen us old together making breakfast or dinner for the kids when they came to visit.

Then I woke up! I didn't want to wake up it was to perfect it was what I had and one point and not I have to stand back and watch it walk away. I'm not saying those things wont happen they just won't happen that way. We're both going to be there for the kids just in different ways. We'll go our different ways in stead of going together.

I noticed things when i woke up. Just like in my dream he was holding me and he was kissing me. Was he fully awake i don't think he was. I'll never know, I'm not about to ask either. I'm just going to enjoy the moment i had. which if i wouldn't had moved tyring to adjust would have lasted longer. It didn't help that our mattress has been losing air. Stupid thing!

This is hard...

The last few weeks have been very painful . Really down right unbearable for me. Something i always thought would last forever is ending and i don't want to let go. But in the same breath its not fair to hold on to something if its unhappy. Theres a lot to work thru. The last thing i ever wanted to do was get divorced. We're still going to be friends we can talk  to each other without fighting which is a good thing. Andrew's handling it okay i guess. I made a call to the school so he's talking to someone once a week. We have been fighting with him a little bit with school, but really i expected a lot worse. I say this  now but watch things change and the acting out gets worse I'm waiting for that day really. Elizabeth is still young enough i hoping it wont be that hard of a change for her.  Then to top it all off the place that i was working at let me go dam temp jobs but what can i do but keep looking. *SIGH* I'm taking advantage of the time i have off tho and I'm cleaning out the house garbage guys going to hate me.