Sunday night Ernie came home in a bad mood. Bad day at work a lot going on. I had plans to go out drinking but I asked him if he wanted me to stay home. He told me to go out anyway so i did. He ended up sending me a text but it didn't say anything about him wanting me to come home. I would have figured something out if he wanted me to come home. I got home got Andrew on the bus then everything changed after that.
I knew Ernie was in a bad mood I just didn't know how bad the mood actually was. He finally broke. We go into it with the arguing. What I think finally broke the the straw on the camels back was when i told him that since he said he wanted a divorce that I have not going off during sex. Things were different there was nothing there anymore. Next thing i knew his computer screen went into the window. Breaking the window. Then he was in the kitchen with a break away knife to his wrist. he told me "I'll make it easy and end everything now" I picked up the phone and called 911. He asked what i was doing I told him he needed help and I was going to get him the help he needed. He ended up putting the knife down and went right over to the futon and sat down and didn't move. The cops arrived I explained everything to them that happen. They checked him over. The one cop pulled me aside and I told him that Ernie was going to say whatever they wanted to hear to get them to just go away. That he doesn't like to talk. The cops ended up putting cuffs on him and taking him to the hospital.
Ernie's mom showed up and I knew as soon as she got there I should have just go in the truck and went to the hospital. but I started getting drilled about what happen.Then she started making phone calls and the next thing i knew I had a house full of people. I didn't want a house full of people. She kept tell everyone we'll just all drive up there. I paced the floor I felt that I was being trapped in my own house. I was being watched like a hawk the whole time. I broke down when Ernie's dad came in and I talked to him. I pulled myself back together. I called the hospital to see if i could get any information at all. I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and his mom looked at me and said "Don't you think you could make some coffee or something?" What I wanted to do and what i did were to different things. I wanted to tell her to make her own fucking coffee. But instead I just started dumping the coffee together. After that I grabbed my keys looking out the door checking my phone looking around at everyone.
Then I got a text message from Ernie. The door flew open and I got in the car and went up to the hospital. I was almost out of the park when he called to make sure i got the text. I was almost to the hoptial when I talke dto his dad He asked me what the fuck was going on then he told me to stay at the hosptial with ernie till they got there. I picked ernie up then we headed back to the house. I warned ernie that there was a house full of people ernie wasn't happy about it.
As soon as we got home they pulled ernie away from me I was pretty much kept trapped in the kitchen, while they had him outside talking. I made him something to eat since i knew he needed something. I tried to give it to him but he wasn't ready so i took it back in the kitchen then bam I was blocked in the kitchen again I managed to get thru to stand by the door but once again I was being watched like I did something. All I wanted to do was talk to him just him and I. No one would let us talk. He finally got to eat his snadwhich then he went back to the bedroom to get changed and I had to ask his mom to move so i could get out of the kitchen. Which was smart on her part cause i was at the end of my rope and I was about to clock her one.
I started walking down the hallway when he got out and I just asked him if I could talk to him just for a few minutes. He grab and hand and we went into the bedroom.I don't think I really explained to him how much he scared me and thats why I called. He understands I know he does. He hugged me I haven't felt what I felt when he hugged me in a long time. He has been staying close to me since that all happend I can understand why. I told him I'm here for him if he needs me I'm here for him to talk to. Which he is talking to me about a lot or at least I believe he is.
I would be lying if I didn't say theres still a big part of me that wishes he would change his mind about getting divoriced. I'm really tring to be ok with the whole thing its extra hard right now because of everything that just happend. The long and short of it I have been going to easy on myself and that was proven today. So I'm going to just start having to be harder on myself. I'm still going to be there for ernie when he needs to talk. Just other things are going to change and maybe its not going to be a good thing but it can't be any worse then how things are right now. I just know that I'm really going to find out who's really there for me and who really cares. And if you see me shaking dont pay any mind to it its just my body dealing with whats going on.
I'm sick of people saying they're not going to do something because of my feelings. If thats the case I'll shut my feelings off and then they wont have to worry about if somethings bothering me or not. Stop worring about me. I can pretend that I'm doing fine and nothing wrong. Don't believe me watch...
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