WAKE UP!! It was just a dream! I wished it wasn't tho....

I dreamed last night, Its been a while but i did. Ernie and I were in the house watching the kids play. He had his arms wrapped around me giving me soft kisses like everything was perfect in the world nothing was wrong. The dream when on to us holding hands watching the kids go to home coming prom, learning about love and then losing it, graduate high school, then to them finding the one they can't live without and getting married and finally them starting families of there own. I seen us old together making breakfast or dinner for the kids when they came to visit.

Then I woke up! I didn't want to wake up it was to perfect it was what I had and one point and not I have to stand back and watch it walk away. I'm not saying those things wont happen they just won't happen that way. We're both going to be there for the kids just in different ways. We'll go our different ways in stead of going together.

I noticed things when i woke up. Just like in my dream he was holding me and he was kissing me. Was he fully awake i don't think he was. I'll never know, I'm not about to ask either. I'm just going to enjoy the moment i had. which if i wouldn't had moved tyring to adjust would have lasted longer. It didn't help that our mattress has been losing air. Stupid thing!

This is hard...

The last few weeks have been very painful . Really down right unbearable for me. Something i always thought would last forever is ending and i don't want to let go. But in the same breath its not fair to hold on to something if its unhappy. Theres a lot to work thru. The last thing i ever wanted to do was get divorced. We're still going to be friends we can talk  to each other without fighting which is a good thing. Andrew's handling it okay i guess. I made a call to the school so he's talking to someone once a week. We have been fighting with him a little bit with school, but really i expected a lot worse. I say this  now but watch things change and the acting out gets worse I'm waiting for that day really. Elizabeth is still young enough i hoping it wont be that hard of a change for her.  Then to top it all off the place that i was working at let me go dam temp jobs but what can i do but keep looking. *SIGH* I'm taking advantage of the time i have off tho and I'm cleaning out the house garbage guys going to hate me.

My first week!

Monday was my first day at Applied Power. I have to say really didn't know what to expect when i started. But I wasn't expecting it to be as easy as it is. There is no stress at all its really a cake walk job. I kid you not I get to listen to my Mp3 player all day. I forgot what it was like to have a job we're you get 2 breaks and a lunch. I don't have to check in with someone every time i need to use the rest room go on break or lunch. I just get up and go. My 3rd day on the job the company took everyone out to red robin for lunch. Which i guess that they do that twice a year or something like that. So that was pretty cool. Their also telling us that February they want to put us on 10 hr days if we can do it and maybe a Saturday if it we can swing it. but if we can't they understand. Of course I'm going to take any overtime i can. I think i did pretty good my first week,  I learned how to glue battery packs together (really simple), use the shrink oven (the hardest part is getting the shrink on the battery just right), then yesterday I started welding the batteries together. I was a little nervous at first but I managed not to blow up or set on fire a battery pack yet which i guess that normally doesn't happen with a first timer. Made me smile to hear that I'm one of the lucky ones :) Can't wait for week 2 :)

Big Changes!!

Despite all the crap I've been thru the last few days today really brighton things up for me. I had an interview for this company called Applied Power. They are a family owned company that started back in 1970. The company assembles batteries for many uses from hospital machines to rc toy cars. I really like the fact that i can listen to my mp3 player all day also. My hours are also Monday thru Friday 7a.m. to 3:30p.m. Saturdays are over time talk about sweet!!! which is perfect with Ernie's hours. I felt very positive about the interview after it was over. A few short hours later I received a call telling me that they would like for me to start on Monday. SSSSSSWWWWWWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTNNNNEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was really the best day I've had in a while. I got a new job (that pays better) I got to put my 2 week notice into the shit hole I was working at. (Yes Wendy's is a shit hole to work for but when you need money coming in it works).Which I was really hoping I could do. I have no respect to work for that place. How can you have respect for a place that when your confront a manger for talking crap and saying that your a horrible empolyee they act like they have no idea what your talking about? Fuck that!!! I caught her in a lie and for that i'm peacing out. I bust my ass and get treating like shit I don't need that. She didn't even have the respect for me to tell me the truth. But still I put in my 2 weeks now if I finish those 2 weeks out thats another story....

Tomorrow I'm suppose to be working a 9 hour shift 11am to 8pm but I'm not really feelin it hell i'm not feeling the hours I have next week their either. (since i'm starting on monday working 2 jobs why should i?) If she thinks I'm a bad empoylee I can be a bad empoylee. maybe I just don't want to show up I mean she is the one that took me of all except for one day when I brought it to her attention that she had me working on a day I asked for off. the only reason I'm even on for a 9 hour day tomorrow is because someone else quit. So thats the only reason i have to come in anyway, if it wasn't for that I would have only had one day. I just asked ernie he agrees with me so its settled i made up my mind. I'm not going in and I don't feel bad about it at all. Fuck that place they can deal. Well i feel better I have to get the kids ready for bed later everyone!!!

Where should I start??

The last few days have been almost more then i can take. Andrew's birthday party was canceled of course there was a lot of thats not right from my mom. Which while she might not think that its right. It doesn't matter since andrew is mine and ernie son and if we feel we should cancel his birthday party because he's misbehaving that is our choice and our right as parents. Well with all that said I recieved a call from my mother on andrew's birthday what she said to me broke my heart in two. "This is the last time you'll hear from me i'm walking away from you and the kids." I asked her "So your saying you want nothing to do with me or your grandkids?" "Angela I can't take this anymore its abuse what your doing." "Thats really nice mom you rturning your back on your daughter and your grandkids." Then i got the "I have to get back to work." I just told her "Bye" and hung the phone up then went and balled my eyes out. Its great to know that your own mother well disown you and your kids over canceling a birthday party.I'm really hurt over the whole thing but the only way i can answer it is fine if she wants to be that way I don't want her around my kids. Just because she doesn't agree with the way ernie and i are raising our kids doesn't mean you disown your family.

Sandy....

This christmas was a very sad one in this household.We lost a very dear family member.

Sandy we love you May 3 2002 -December 25, 2010

We saved Sandy a little over 3 years ago from the animal shealter. She was shy, timided, you could tell whoever had her before abused her . We brought her home and had to retrain her on everything we let her get on the couch teach her that every time you turn around you won't get beat. We showed her a warm loving home that she otherwise would have never know. Ernie would always tell her "Your not much of a guard dog but your one hell of a companion!" he was right on that she would be the first one to run up to get a pat on the head. She loved everyone and she's going to be missed dearly. Its hard coming in the house without seeing her or hearing that one "woof" which was more of a hey you freakin woke me up.

We're all dealing with this in our own way. Well I know ernie is the kids dont really fully understand I don't think. They know that she's not here but I don't know how much they fully understand.How am I holding??? Well...... I'm not going to get into it. My game face is stuck on I miss her a lot more then i can explain. I'm thinking about doing a shadow box for sandy.

Heres a poem i found its pretty fitting for Sandy:
We can't believe you're gone. Why did you have to leave us?
We will miss everything about you: your sweet personality.
We have nothing but pictures and memories and
that is not enough to fill the empty spot in our hearts.
We love you with all of our hearts and
We'll always remember the good times we had together.
We may cry and be sad, but for knowing you, We'll always be glad.
We know you'll be with us someday, in another time.
But right now you're gone but you will always be here in our hearts.
We  will miss you!!!!!

Christmas is coming...

So Chirstmas is coming very soon. We have all the present for the kids which is really nice. They're going to have a good one this year. Its been a while. Things arent as good as i would like them to be tho. Which really sucks. Like the last time ernie and I actually got something for each other was before andrew was born. Sad isn't it?? Ever since then its been about the kids. (which it should be) but the point i'm making is that it would be nice to be able to put something under the tree for each other.

Hell ernie and I went to the mall the other day and ya he got a clip for his phone. (which that was the whole point of going). But ya I was really upset (which ernie could tell). Its no fun going to the mall going to 3 stores not buying anything. Ya I stopped to peak at a few things but when i looked up at ernie I walked quicky out of the store. I was stupid to stop and look at the things i was looking at. Ya ernie asked me before we left if there was something i wanted to look at and of course i told him "No, its fine we can go." Theres no point it looking at stuff your never going to be able to buy.

Ya we would have thought that with ernie getting over time that maybe just maybe this year we could have got each other something but fuck that its not gonna happen. Since he got hours mine got cut. I really HATE chirstmas. Hell I'm starting to just HATE life.

It would be nice for ernie and i to be able to have a date night but thats never going to happen.  Ya my parents well take the kids for us but either i have to work or he does so its not like we can do anything. Plus erneis not one for going to the movies or going out which i understand. I'm tired of working and having nothing to show for it. I'm tired of never going out and doing anything. I'm fucking 26 years old and feel trapped. Clean the house, take care of the kids, work. Theres my life sucks doesn't it. I had one night that it was just me ernie was at work the kids at my parents. It was great to be able to drive where ever I wanted and free to do what i want. I did everything i wanted to but go the the bar. Which well the bar cost money so that was out.

What the fuck ever i guess, some people get to live and others dont. Dont get me wrong i love my kids and my life. I just hate how I never get to do anything or buy anything. Yup gift cards or hoping to hell that my clothes from years ago still fit those are my clothes. So ya I wear the same thing a lot because i dont have anything.

My parents had to do the kids chirstmas pictures this year. You know how bad that hurts?? You know how bad it hurts me that Elizabeths almost 2 and we dont even have a family picture. But I don't want to make anyone do anything that they dont want to.

Sorry I really bitched in this one.