Sandy....

This christmas was a very sad one in this household.We lost a very dear family member.

Sandy we love you May 3 2002 -December 25, 2010

We saved Sandy a little over 3 years ago from the animal shealter. She was shy, timided, you could tell whoever had her before abused her . We brought her home and had to retrain her on everything we let her get on the couch teach her that every time you turn around you won't get beat. We showed her a warm loving home that she otherwise would have never know. Ernie would always tell her "Your not much of a guard dog but your one hell of a companion!" he was right on that she would be the first one to run up to get a pat on the head. She loved everyone and she's going to be missed dearly. Its hard coming in the house without seeing her or hearing that one "woof" which was more of a hey you freakin woke me up.

We're all dealing with this in our own way. Well I know ernie is the kids dont really fully understand I don't think. They know that she's not here but I don't know how much they fully understand.How am I holding??? Well...... I'm not going to get into it. My game face is stuck on I miss her a lot more then i can explain. I'm thinking about doing a shadow box for sandy.

Heres a poem i found its pretty fitting for Sandy:
We can't believe you're gone. Why did you have to leave us?
We will miss everything about you: your sweet personality.
We have nothing but pictures and memories and
that is not enough to fill the empty spot in our hearts.
We love you with all of our hearts and
We'll always remember the good times we had together.
We may cry and be sad, but for knowing you, We'll always be glad.
We know you'll be with us someday, in another time.
But right now you're gone but you will always be here in our hearts.
We  will miss you!!!!!

Christmas is coming...

So Chirstmas is coming very soon. We have all the present for the kids which is really nice. They're going to have a good one this year. Its been a while. Things arent as good as i would like them to be tho. Which really sucks. Like the last time ernie and I actually got something for each other was before andrew was born. Sad isn't it?? Ever since then its been about the kids. (which it should be) but the point i'm making is that it would be nice to be able to put something under the tree for each other.

Hell ernie and I went to the mall the other day and ya he got a clip for his phone. (which that was the whole point of going). But ya I was really upset (which ernie could tell). Its no fun going to the mall going to 3 stores not buying anything. Ya I stopped to peak at a few things but when i looked up at ernie I walked quicky out of the store. I was stupid to stop and look at the things i was looking at. Ya ernie asked me before we left if there was something i wanted to look at and of course i told him "No, its fine we can go." Theres no point it looking at stuff your never going to be able to buy.

Ya we would have thought that with ernie getting over time that maybe just maybe this year we could have got each other something but fuck that its not gonna happen. Since he got hours mine got cut. I really HATE chirstmas. Hell I'm starting to just HATE life.

It would be nice for ernie and i to be able to have a date night but thats never going to happen.  Ya my parents well take the kids for us but either i have to work or he does so its not like we can do anything. Plus erneis not one for going to the movies or going out which i understand. I'm tired of working and having nothing to show for it. I'm tired of never going out and doing anything. I'm fucking 26 years old and feel trapped. Clean the house, take care of the kids, work. Theres my life sucks doesn't it. I had one night that it was just me ernie was at work the kids at my parents. It was great to be able to drive where ever I wanted and free to do what i want. I did everything i wanted to but go the the bar. Which well the bar cost money so that was out.

What the fuck ever i guess, some people get to live and others dont. Dont get me wrong i love my kids and my life. I just hate how I never get to do anything or buy anything. Yup gift cards or hoping to hell that my clothes from years ago still fit those are my clothes. So ya I wear the same thing a lot because i dont have anything.

My parents had to do the kids chirstmas pictures this year. You know how bad that hurts?? You know how bad it hurts me that Elizabeths almost 2 and we dont even have a family picture. But I don't want to make anyone do anything that they dont want to.

Sorry I really bitched in this one.

12 Why's????

Theres certain things I just can't understand.

1. Why is it employers well work you right up to that point where you should be full time with benefits but they cut you just in time so you can't so your still part time???

2. Why is it when mom gets sick she still has to carry on like nothings wrong??? Still has to get up and do everything like normal.How are we to get any better without getting rest where theres time?

3. Why is it when guys are sick they want to be babied and cuddled but when were sick theres no cuddling?

4. Why isn't being sick enough? Then mother nature has to be a bitch and add a period to it.

5. Why does a 5 year old tell you that their full and cant eat anymore but as soon as its time for bed and they cant eat their candy their hungry all the sudden???

6. Why is it when you can finally eat something you cant enjoy it because your being bugged?

7. Why do kids have to act up and make being sick worse then what it already is?

8. Why can't I wake up and my house be clean?

9. Why can't i get a simple answer to simple questions?

10. Why can't chocolate and ice cream fix a cold like it does a broken heart and craps?

11. Why do people have to talk so much shit about other people?

12. Why cant they look thru the downfalls and see the good in the person?

I don't know maybe these are stupid but i have to ask......

Blah...bitch bitch.. bunch of crap

I've hit my all time low. Me being sick the last few days  (and still) didn't help me from staying strong. So right now step on me, blow me off, treat me like shit I wouldn't know the difference, keep doing what makes you happy and lead me to think that I'm part of that. If I am that's great if not then why stick around. I know I'm not the best person or the best friend to be around. But I'm also tired of always having to wait. Tired of being used when other people are ready but i guess its just as much my fault since i like to feel needed. its still bull crap.

Tring to keep moving...

The last few days its been getting harder and harder to keep moving. This cold is kicking my ass. Between the running nose, the coughing and the sore throat its killing me. This all started with a sore ear. Now my ear doesn't bother me so much. Unless I sneeze and at that point it feels like someone killing me. I lay down I cough, I sit down I cough, its worse in the morning when i first get up and when i go to bed. I found theres certain ways if i sit or stand I won't cough as much. (sad isn't it) Theres stuff that I want to get done but it take me half of the day just to get my cough under control so I can get something done. But by that time its time for work so I don 't get even a quarter of the things down that I want to.  (I know I'm carring on and bitching sorry.)

I know its still really early but (if you read my previous post you would understand my madness) I want to get my Christmas stuff out. I got some of it out yesterday. The window stickers are up and I made the wreath for the front door I was so happy it came out it looks really good to. I need to get the energy to get my living room moved around for the Christmas tree but that's going to take a lot of energy that I don't have right now. Here's what it looks like....

November... (This is a very personal post read it at your own risk)

Here it is. November we face each other yet again. Your a painful month with little joy. The pain surpasses the joy. On one hand you give me my dads birthday on the 2nd. Which without him who would I be? Would I be? More then likely not. You also give me my parents anniversary on the 6th. With out the both of them and their love for each other over the years I wouldn't be the person I am today. I also have some friends that have a birthday this month.

But on the other hand the pain sinks in. On the 12th my world came crashing down into a million pieces. When my husband and I lost our first child at 25 weeks. Years of not being able to watch him grow or even to see him breath. You think wow breath. Yes if only just to breath.. instead I have the painful image branded into my mind of this little helpless, breathless baby that was taken from us for reasons?? Fuck your reasons!

I lost a cousin that was like a brother to me in a hunting accident. He lived with us for a while, why my mom and dad help him straighten out things in his life. I still remember the phone call. That's another thing that well never leave my mind.

On the 30th Ernie and I lost twins. they where 10 weeks old. I relive that painful experience it puts me in a dark place that at times is hard to get out of. Still somehow i manage.

I think with me putting the Christmas tree up right after Halloween is my way of erasing November. I've done that since Ernie and I have had our own place. And while Ernie and I decided to wait to put the tree up till December its only 8:01 a.m. on the 1st of November and its already getting hard for me by the second.


 

Long Day

Today started off a little ruff. We all slept in so Andrew was late to school. We rushed to all get in the car and get him to school. After we dropped Andrew off, we stopped and got new breaks for the car. Then somehow I managed to sweet talk Ernie into taking us out to breakfast. We went to Bunner's that place is amazing and so friendly Elizabeth loved it. We headed home so Ernie got put the breaks on the car which only took him about 20 minutes. I didn't feel like staying home so we went to Tanger Outlets and walked around checking out and pricing somethings. We did a little more running around then came home to a message on our answering machine. It was Andrew's school and he was in the office crying that his ears hurt. Ernie flew up to the school to get him and i got on the phone to get him into the doctor. After waiting for ever with a crying child that's in pain we found out he has a double ear infection. we picked up his meds and went home to eat dinner. I gave Andrew his meds and then got his pj's on him. Changed Elizabeth and got her bath and pj's on. Andrew wanted to sit on my lap in the chair which was fine with me. He fell asleep got about 30 mins then when we woke up he started throwing up. Of course i started making calls making sure he wasn't having a reaction to his meds. Ernie ran him a hot bath and got him some clean pj's. It was to long for it to be a reaction so it's just an upset stomach (we're keeping a eye on that). I cleaned up the mess Andrew cuddled into Ernie on the loves seat. We just put him into bed hopefully he sleeps. Oh ya did i mention I called off work I was told that I had to bring in a doctors note since I was taking my child to his Doctor and not the Advance urgent care bull crap isn't it? Why would you take your kid to a place were he doesn't know the doctors when you can take him to his doctor? Fucking dumb asses!! That pissed me off

Work Crap

There's a few things I think about at work. Really I think about them a lot. But its only because of the people that come thru. Here let me explain......

We open at 11:00a.m. Which people slowly start showing up  (very normal) there is a few people that are there everyday close to the same time order the same thing (our regulars) sometimes the times may vary. Its like a treat to themselves (that's how I look at it) everyone deserves to treat themselves. But what I can't for the life of me understand is how certain people (their are a few) can be there anywhere from 2 to 3 times a day. (yes I kid you not) they show up for lunch, then of course to have to feed your kid after school so dinner and then so up later for something else wither a frosty or a sandwich of some kind. I tend to ask myself don't you care for your health not to mention the health of your child? I myself only do the fast food for my family every once in a while, not everyday for every meal. Which I'm sure if we sold breakfast the same people would be up there. Its pretty bad when a person that doesn't even work for the company is there almost as much as the workers. OK on the or hand yes that is my paycheck that they are paying for but dam really it is a little crazy don't you agree?

Last night we got swamped at work so me being in drive thru well I was on my own. (ok no big) Well I was getting big orders then of course every once in a while I would get someone that ordered 1 thing. well of course getting 4 drinks, 4 sandwiches, and 4 fries, plus taking orders its take a little bit of time. I'm only one person I can only be in one place at one time. I had this guy come thru all he wanted was a chocolate shake no cherry on it. No biggy, whatever... Well it took me a little bit ti even get his order in the system, we got him cashed out thru the back window one of the guys had a quick sec where he could make the shake for me (I was in the middle of taking yet another order) my crew member set the shake on the spot by the window and went back to the customer's he had. I grabbed the stuff that we hand out with the shake told the guy I was sorry about the wait. (then figured on to the next order) WRONG!! The guy wouldn't take the shake instead me started to make a big fuss..He asked me to take the lid off since had to wait. I informed him that I couldn't since it was a health code and I couldn't  afford to have a fine like that. Of course he wanted his money back and bitch about how he would be writing a letter blah..blah..blah..so i got him his refund I tried giving him his shake even after he got his money back nope he wouldn't touch it cause the lid was still on the cup.(childish all this over a fuck lid) The guy continued to rip me apart  (mind you my manager is standing out of sight just listening and seeing how i handle all this crap) finally I had enough (I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to punch the guy in the face) so I told him I was sorry that I couldn't take the lid off and that I was sorry that he felt like he would never be coming back to this store. (thinking in my mind your a fucking asshole among other things) That's all he wanted was for me to say i was sorry (even thou i could careless) he happily drove off. Then my manager came around "Angela you handled that very well!" With a smile on his face. With a smile on my face I told him to go fuck himself I was going outside for a smoke break. He busted up laughing but of course let me go. To top things off we found out later that night from the DM if the customer is being that much a a dick we can take the lid off as long as we don't touch the rim of the cup. I told my  manager that I would have taken the lid off and when handing it to the guy it would have some how fell "OPS maybe if you had a lid that wouldn't have happened!!" He got a kick out of that one.

What a Night

Well last night was a good night at work it was weird to only work 4 hours. It flew by it was nice not to be on drive thru for once. Came home relaxed a little then off to bed. Well I thought i was off to bed. Then Elizabeth started crying so i changed her butt and put her back to bed but she was still crying so I ended up crawling into bed with her. Oh course I fell asleep when i woke up around 1:30 I went back to my bed. but then about 30 mins later she started crying again so I went and got her and put her in bed with Ernie and I which of course she was out for the rest of the night.

It was really weird for Elizabeth to do that she's never did that before I wounder why maybe a nightmare?? hrmm... Hopefully it doesn't turn into an every night things that's all I can home for.

New blog spot, and catching up....

So I had to go find a new place to vent since for some reason the website i use to use isn't working anymore. Oh well what can you do right?? So far this one isn't to bad. I hadn't used it in a while anyway i hadn't had time. What is time anymore uh??

I know right now I should be cleaning instead of worrying about a new blog spot. But sometimes you just need to push somethings aside and do something for yourself! I'm I right or what??

So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog.  (since I can't really remember what I wrote in my last blog and I can't look it up can't the website isn't working I might repeat myself sorry if i do).

I'm working at a job that I can't stand (I really can't stand). I don't always hate being there just most of the time i hate being there. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful it pays the bills but that's about all it does. I always work closing shifts which ya its great you would think cause I have all day to do whatever but really i don't cause my by the time I get home from work and get relaxed enough to sleep its 2 or 3 in the morning. Which getting up early the next morning for the kids makes me edgy, snippy, and many things that would bother me drive me nuts. Hell they mine as well work me 7 days a week I'm almost there already. Yes I'm looking for a different job. I just don't think that its right that the GM is the mother of not only a manager but a crew member. Its a nightmare that's all I can say.

On the other hand Ernie got a job and he's happy which makes me happy. I think he's enjoying it. With him working its makes it easier and not so stressful with the things we want to do around the house and so on.

We got a new bunny she's 4 years old and her name is Autumn. I got her from my Gm at work. I know you say but Angela you say you can't stand her. well I can't but it doesn't mean an animal should suffer over it. She's a really sweet bunny the kids can play with her and she doesn't bite she's litter trained so she can roam the house freely, which is nice.

Also Ernie and I took Elizabeth to the park the other day and we ended up bringing home another member to the family. Little Mya she's a grey kitten and she has to little white spots on her one on the tip of her tail and the other on her chest. As much as Ernie said not more cats I have to laugh since he's the first one to pick her up and cuddle with her. Which just isn't for a little bit. Its normally for a while she'll sleep on him while he watches t.v., plays a video game, falls asleep in the chair. I came home from work one night and he was cuddle up next to his head on the pillow. Two cute it made me smile.

Sandy seems to be doing ok. She's getting crabby in her old age. sometimes she wont eat unless Elizabeth feeds her. I worry. She sleeps a lot more then she use to and the cough she gets sometimes. I know that happens with old age. It's still a scary thing. We just spoil her more that's all we can do extra treats and love.

Last thing I promise LOL.

This one is no laughing matter tho. the cars broke down. The nice thing is that Ernie doesn't think its the ecu anymore but more the starter. Which we're going to haul it off cause he's not going to mess with it to much to pull apart and its just easier. I never thought i would hear that from him but i did. But I also know he likes the other cars their a lot easier to work on and not all computer controlled. But the car should be back up and running soon.